Day 38 - Toward Conclusions

Two days left.  I'm not really ready for this to be over, but I'm changed, and I know what I need to do to develop this crazy love story.  So many good things have happened to encourage us during this process, not from the book as much as from the various other ways the spirit has challenged us. I love that I've been challenged to defend myself, my thought life, and my spirit against attack.  I feel freedom, excitement, and joy about the future.  It is a joy that I've been missing  for a lot of my faith journey.  I'm thrilled to stand on this promise because I believe in the depths of who I am that there is good news in the Word of God.  I have been challenged to take hold and be proud of my faith and to take it to the world with passion and conviction.  I have changed my view of where I live from a place to reside to my own mission field.  My city is not just a city, but a people group with many unreached souls.  My job as a Christ follower is to make Christ followers all the time, right where I live.  I intend to be faithful with what I have in order that God might expand my influence and my ability to bring the kingdom to earth.  I am learning to surrender fear.  I am learning to surrender worry.  I am learning to surrender jealousy, anger, and disappointment. I am learning to live with a life surrendered to Christ.  I am learning to persevere not just for a day and a night, but for a thousand days, with a thousand people, under a thousand challenges. I am excited about sharing my faith with friends and strangers.  I am excited about participating in the Great Commission for the first time in my Christian walk.   Here's to HOLY TRANSFORMATION of ourselves, our church, and our city in 2013.

Day 27 - No Grip

I know I'm supposed to be on day 27, but I'm moving back to day 25.  I didn't get to write this week.  Like we expected, we've been under attack for the last several days.  I don't think I have ever had this bad of a cough, ever. I nearly went to the ER last night after six hours of almost ceaseless coughing; the strongest OTC medication didn't even make a marginal change in my condition. I knew then I was dealing with something greater than my own biology. Not surprisingly, this strongest attack came immediately after our elders came to pray for health and healing over me in honor of James 5:14.  My whole body is in pain and is sore from the stress of this illness;  thankfully, I do not walk alone.  When I have been to weary to stand, my husband has read scripture over me.  He has spoken prayer and authority over me and has given me the rest I needed to fight again.    My resolve, my patience, my belief in Jehovah Rapha has been tested this week, and I stand firm.  My God is my healer, no matter how my body feels or what number of physical ramifications of illness I experience.  Though I am tired, my belief in this identity of God has never been stronger.  I am not afraid even of death, and I know that has my enemy in a panic.  I said aloud last night, "Death has been defeated, and I will not be afraid, even in death."  I heard Satan's whisper, "That can be arranged..." Still, I am not afraid, for in Christ, the dead live, the lame walk, the blind see.  Hallelujah!  That will never, ever change.  It has all already been accomplished. 

So day 25...Bill Johnson talks here about practical atheism - Christians who believe, but who don't follow, Christ's teachings -  believers who "face situations daily without bringing God into the picture."  Many of us have been there either in part or in whole;   many of us know people who are there now.  Though I do know professing believers who (at least on the outside, for I cannot pretend to know the hearts of men) do seem to be practical atheists, God has provided so, so many people in my life who earnestly seek the Lord.  I am so grateful to be a part of a community of people who at 25, 35, 45 and older are continuing to seek after God with all that they have.  They are learning all the time about Christ, and new parts of His identity are being revealed in these pursuits.  I know that there are many in the world who are passionate pursuers of Christ and who feel that they engage in these pursuits alone.  I know that Tony and I  may feel this way in the future if we do, in fact, end up in the mission field, but for now, we have faithful friends who walk with us in holy pursuits.  Praise the Lord!

I love that Johnson addresses my own practical atheism (I think he MUST have had me in mind when he wrote this chapter), and his words on day 25 ever increased my resolve to destroy this part of my life that I privately nurse and keep hidden from others.  His last line on day 25 contrasts with his portrayal of fear-based Pharisaic influence and reads, "But when we are influenced by Kingdom leaven, we don't fear what people think about us."  I'm starting to see this transformation in my own life.  I'm starting to understand very viscerally that if I don't let release my death grip on being valued and respected in the eyes of others (in every minutiae), then I am Pharisaic in my belief, embracing God in theory, but not in practice or experience, and my witness to the world is crushed.

  Last night in and through deep prayer with my husband, I discovered that this demon, this idolatry of others' opinions which I have been battling hard in this 40-day journey, is rooted in the stronger demon of pride.  By casting out pride, I will bring death to them both.  I received a picture in prayer last night of pride as a demon. Having been cast out, this demon was trying to hold on to me, but because I had been anointed with oil in Christ, it couldn't get a grip.  It tried and tried and tried to hold on, but every time it did, its grip would just slip off.  I think that this is the gift of walking in the Holy Spirit who is so much greater and more powerful than all of the other evil in the spiritual dimension.  In the Holy Spirit, we are anointed with the oil of joy, of gladness, of Christ, and because of that oil nothing unclean can hold on. 

That is not to say that these spirits will not try.  They will, with mighty effort.  Also, that is not to say that once we have accepted Christ and His spirit, we no longer have to fight to keep our anointing.   This is a gift that must be guarded.  That means that when I have been hurt by someone's words or actions, I will turn to the Spirit to consider what He is teaching me.  In this act, I am anointed.  That means that when I am angry, I will keep my eyes on God and acknowledge that I am not the purveyor of my own justice.  God makes all things right, and I can trust Him with my own vindication.  In giving up my need to be proven right, in understanding that God is big enough, in this act, I am anointed.  When I am jealous of my colleagues' success or my children's affections for my husband or grandparents or the material wealth of my friends, I will turn to Jesus, remember his rejection by the "important people" of his day, his rejection from his own family, and his complete lack of any material wealth at all.  Through these remembrances, in this act, I am anointed. Because of these anointings with holy oil, spirits of anger, jealousy, and over-fed pride will not be able to get a good grip or any grip at all, really. No spirit, in fact, except the one already within who produces the anointing in the first place,  will be able take hold.  I am anointed.  

From two sources in the last week (my uncle and his invited guest speaker, Jerry Vaughn), I have received the words Johnson also says in his first question for day 25:  "Difficulty exposes that in which you actually trust, and what you trust is what we truly believe to be true and real." Through these words, I have been convicted that all this time, I haven't actually believed that God didn't want me well.  What I did believe was that the doctors could heal me better than God could.  I have trusted in them more than I trusted in God because that is what I could see and what I could see and touch is what I believed to be true and real - a practical atheism.  Difficulty has exposed what was guiding my life which has been my own fear, not God. The same is true of my fear of others' opinions of me.  I am in a position of leadership this semester which is a much more public position that I have ever held.  When I hear something from someone (or even when I just interpret possible overtones in someone's words) that threatens my reputation or insults me or my work whether it is true or not, I have noticed that I begin back-peddling and defending myself and my actions almost instantly.  No looking at the Lord, no quiet discernment, no inclusion of God at all - another practical atheism.  The root?  This foolish combination of fear and idolatry of man's opinions.  Absolutely.  This works in my family in the same ways.  When my children don't respect me or my husband doesn't honor me, instead of stepping into love or joy or peace or patience, I defend, I accuse, I strike back.  This exposes that the valuations of man, particularly my family, matter more to me than the valuation of God, and Jesus teaches us that anyone who loves mother or father or sister or brother or children more than him is not worthy of him. For kingdom life, this sin has to die. 

Lord, I rebuke the spirit of fear and pride in my own life and in the life of my family.  I cast it out.  I come to you for anointing and promise to guard that anointing fiercely.  I rejoice in your mad love for me and for all your followers.  You are our portion and our prize, and we pursue you with everything we've got.  Thank you for bearing all of this for us and for setting us captives free.  We praise you for breaking chains and anointing with oil.  Amen.

Day 19 - Crazy Love

I should be working right now, but I'm just so filled up after this weekend that I want to write tonight instead, even if it means a really late night ahead.

First, I've mentioned several times throughout the course of these 40 days that I see a theme emerging for my own transformation which is the release of fear of what everyone else thinks of me.  This has become my idol that I place above the opinion of the Almighty in so many ways, and I am working hard to smash and burn that idol in my life in the next 21 days.  Though I don't like having to practice at this, I do appreciate the opportunities to do so.  God, like the good God that He is, gave me this sermon, spoken through Jerry Vaughn at my Uncle Danny's church in Carlsbad, yesterday morning:  http://wolcarlsbad.com/2012/08/18/sermon-player/

 (Click on the one entitled "Jerry Vaughn").  Though I cried through,well...most of the service, I had to smile at God's direct communication with me yesterday morning.  It was like he was sitting in the room, directly addressing me in person.  This man ( a friend of my uncle) didn't know me from Adam, but the sermon and the whole morning could not have been more orchestrated to speak to my heart if I had sat down and written it all out myself beforehand.  We serve a mighty, real, holy, intimate God, and I am thankful for the moments in which he seems to step out of heaven there to bring heaven here.

Can I just say it?  Praise God, I am healed!  God has done it;  it is finished.   Satan is vanquished.  I am free. I don't care what the tests say tomorrow. I don't care what the doctors warn me of next week.  There is nothing anyone can say or do to tell me I am not healed by the blood of Christ.  I will fight for this Word with everything I have within me, and Christ, defeater of even death, is as he promised centuries ago - right with me in the same power and authority he had then.  And I will go to my grave when it is time to go home with the joy and confidence that God moved heaven to free us free from sin and disease, and I am confident I will see this comes to pass in the lives of many throughout the course of my ministry on earth.   I am war-weary, but not destroyed.  I have a job to do on this earth, and then and only then, will it be time to go home.   I will play an active part in that process because I am growing in connection to God, and I will understand His will better every day of my life.  I rejoice in a God who has reached out across centuries to grip my heart with His crazy, mad love.  This is Good News, the best news, in fact.

I know for sure that I don't understand all of this yet.  I know for sure that I won't understand all of it until I am able to go home, and unfortunately, I know that healing will not happen for every person 100% of the time.  Even those who have practiced bringing God's healing for years will attest to this,  but just because it is not accomplished in the world 100% of the time does not mean it is not the desire of God's heart for each of us.  Suffering will come; this is a promise (I'll take up teasing out the difference between illness and suffering in a later post).  I understand now that healing of my heart as well as my body is something Christ came to give and did give as an outpouring of love onto His people.  I can almost see the compassion in his eyes as he healed Jews and Gentiles alike, and I know that compassion has not changed.  It is the same today as it was then.    I know this is radical.  I know that some in my life, if they read this, would / will dismiss me as having lost my sanity.   That's all somehow okay today.  I am hoping that this will not be internalized as hurtful by readers who have lost loved ones.  Making sense of that is hard, and I don't want to be insensitve.  I believe God mourns for and with those who hurt deeply for those lost prematurely.  I don't want to pretend I understand all circumstances, and if you're reading this and are struggling with these words, know that you are not alone and that Christ is, as he promised, still with you.  Always.  Pursue him still, pursue him even though, and Satan IS defeated.  

I'm not quite sure that I'm ready to process through questions because there is so much I need to think about.  This is probably the space in which I will do that over the next several days, and though I do not pledge to have answers, I do invite whoever wants to come along to process through this with me.  

How I got here from my last post is a lot longer story than I have time tonight to detail, but I will handle this in pieces.   For now, know that our lives, our stories, our understanding of God is so much bigger than who we are and what we do right now, or tomorrow, or the next day.  We are part of such an amazing history of believers who have wrestled with these questions for hundreds of years, and for the first time, I feel like an important part of that macrocosm.

Thank you, God, for awakening both in my own heart and across the globe.  I am humbled an honored to be a Christ-follower in this moment in time and am looking forward with expectancy to the coming hours, days, and years in which your kingdom will come to earth and cast out all darkness with its perfect light.  Amen.

Day 16 - Four Days' Worth of Thoughts

I've been dying to write all week, but this was the most intense work-week I've had so far. I'm tired.  Bone tired.  I'm not feeling so transformed today.  Many things have happened this week to draw my attention away from the Lord, and until now, I haven't even thought about fighting them off in the name of my peace.  I haven't been unhappy or frustrated with my the demands on my life this week, but I have let these demands take precedence over pursuing Christ and this transformation.  The funny thing is, I feel like I've had no real choice in the matter.  It's not like I had a clear choice between getting X, Y, and Z done and spending time with God;  it's just that I've woken up and hit the ground running every morning this week.  Sick kids, advisory duties, grading, teaching, more sick kids, church events, more advisory duties, everyone needing an edit, or a second or third read.  leading meetings, attending meetings, writing letters of recommendation, crashing internet, scheduling interviews, hiring new people, health struggles, and heart struggles have all occupied my week,  This is a fundamental struggle for me, and this is maybe Satan's trick in my world:  to convince me that I don't have a choice.  I work hard, which can be a gift to God and to others, but too often, it becomes my god.  I do have a choice.  I do have peace.  I do have a God in whom I can hide my heart.  I do not have do everything successfully, and I thank God that he moves ahead of me and covers my multitude of mistakes.

 So what can I do to be transformed in this area of my life?  Johnson talks a lot about revelation this week. I want so badly for my eyes to be opened, to see the world as he sees it; as with peace, I think I have to fight for that. I believe that even in the busy, I am redeemed, and I can make decisions based on the spirit's love and guidance.  I just have to practice the listening, always the listening.  

On a different note,   I struggled with some of Johnson's teaching this week.  I can and do freely accept that God does, in fact, want his people to be well physically (please don't dismiss me at this word;  this thread is much more intricate than this generality).  Jesus brought healing with his kingdom, and it comprised a large portion of his ministry here on earth.  I see God's beautiful compassion in Jesus as he heals people of their physical suffering. I believe that when his kingdom has fully come, I won't be sick any more.  I will have energy to laugh, play, and be goofy in the kingdom.  I will have the strength to run a thousand miles and move a thousand mountains.  I will be free from this body that robs my spirit of it's ability to thrive.  I also believe very firmly in the promises of Christ.  I believe that he does absolutely, unarguably heal people of their physical ailments. I believe he saves us from ourselves and our sins, and I believe that he loves me beyond what can be put into words - that's why he came, to be beyond words.  I believe in God's promises.  I just finished reading Mark with this new lens, and I am still not convinced that Christ offers physical healing to all of his followers.   I see that Christ offers his disciples the power to heal in Matthew and Mark, but does that then extend beyond them to all of Christ's followers for the rest of time?  I don't know.  I don't see that promised yet.  

 I also believe that God is a complex God and that his kingdom comes to earth when we rejoice in our suffering, when we, like Job, are hit hard by circumstances that steal our joy, crush our hope, weaken our resolve, rip apart our tender hearts, and shake our very foundations of faith and still we kneel in praise because we are still brought to humble, grateful tears by his goodness.  This is who we are supposed to be in the world too, isn't it?  This is also how we bring kingdom to the world, right?  Maybe this does, as Johnson says, limit my revelation.  This is something I think is so foundational and that has been a stumbling block for so many people in their own faith that it is really, really important to  do our best to understand what Christ promises about this. So many struggling with cancer and other deadly diseases have been so hurt by people who tell the sufferer, "If you just had enough faith, you'd be well."  or "What sin are you in that your body is sick?  Just repent of your own sin, and you'll be well."  How painful is this to receive when you are in the middle of such an overwhelming physical, emotional, and spiritual struggle?  I've felt judged by these statements, and I've struggled with the desire to walk away from my faith community completely with deep, deep sadness in my heart.  Even if this is a truth, this should come from the Lord to the heart.  I don't know that it is our responsibility to convict people of their sin.  Jesus didn't.  He forgave them, and healed.    We do all have to die.  Many times that happens through sickness.  I don't know what to do with this very real fact of life.    There are no real conclusions here;  just questions.  Any thoughts are welcomed.  

Day 12 - Speak

I was really hoping to be able to blog daily when I started this journey.  I have not been successful at this, but I have been faithfully reading.  I hope that someone, somewhere is blessed by these posts at some point. Anyway,  today's reading is strange.  I'm not really sure I understand the perspective or what Johnson is trying to say, much less what to do with it.  Maybe I just need to pray for God's wisdom in this.  In the last part of his journal / meditation guide for today, Johnson talks about what things we are called to do as Christians that involve our voices.  I am in the middle of growth in this area.  Because of my heart-struggles with people's perceptions of myself, I have a hard time speaking anything that might hurt someone's feelings  or that might cause people to be upset with me.  This is not Godly or good, and I confess it.

Holy God,
I pray for your kingdom to come through me today.  Please forgive this voice-altering desire to have people like me.  As I grow in you over these forty days, strengthen my voice, wash away my fear and self-doubt.  Help me see as you see.  Help my voice and your voice one and the same to my friends, family, acquaintances.  Give me what I need to complete your will today. I give you my life, my soul, my everything for the sake of your glory and your kingdom.

Amen.

Day 8 - Confidence in Christ

^“14 This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. ¹⁵ And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.” I John 5:14 - 15

I am seeing a theme develop today for these forty days.  As I’ve mentioned before,  I have been  a prisoner to what others think of me.  This prisoner-ship impedes my relationship with the Lord, and I want to stand against that.  This is a weakness in my spiritual armor, and Satan repeatedly exploits this. My husband is a wonderful example to me in this regard.  He really seeks to honor and pursue God first and has been given the gift and developed the discipline of not really caring about what other people think about him.  It’s beautiful to see him not give a second thought to things people say that would take me days to get over.  I’m really thankful for his presence in my life and all that he teaches me about Christ. 

So today,  I’m taking God at his word, and I’m asking for his peace and freedom in this area of struggle in my life.  I really believe in God’s promises, and I know that the “according to his will” part of prayer is really important in seeing the manifestation of God’s answers to prayer in our lives.  I have been checking my prayers alot lately with the question, “Is this prayer according to God’s will?”  Sometimes that question is difficult to answer, but this time it isn’t.  Several times in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches that we should not be people who do “acts of righteousness” or even just prayer in order to be “honored by men” or to “be seen by men”.  That priority is the same sin that causes us to be afraid of what people thinks of us.  Both of these heart-attitudes mean that we honor what others think above what God thinks.  Jesus also talks about loving our enemies and turning the other cheek.  I think the kingdom of heaven is one in which because we are so in love with our God and full of humility because of his overwhelming, universe-spanning love for us, we are unable to be put down by others or ashamed of anything, even our own nakedness, which was the case, I think, for Adam and Eve.  In the kingdom of heaven, I know I’m a worm (and I can shrug my shoulders and smilingly agree when others point that out), and I know that God has redeemed me anyway.  That fills me up to the point that I can’t even see anything else, really.   In that I take my joy.   No need to explain or defend myself in this life.  No need to have a knee-jerk reaction when someone throws me an emotional punch in the gut.  Kingdom living says, “Give me your best shot.  Humiliate me, embarrass me, throw my efforts back in my face, deride my intelligence, mock my beliefs, reject my love, and I will love you still.  I have an armor of steel that is supernaturally reinforced by the Grace of God whose opinion of me (a redeemed, madly loved child) is more important to me than anything.  And instead of reacting to your emotional or physical bludgeoning, I will turn the other cheek, rest in Christ’s love, and pray that you will be released from your angry prison and come to know the freedom and perfect peace of Christ that I have found.”  Isn’t this what Christ did as He ushered in his heavenly kingdom to an un-heavenly world?  

From kingdom living, I can have compassion on someone who is kicking me while I’m down.  I can feel genuine pity for them because they are stuck, as I have also been, in anger and other sin.  I can pray for my enemy because I desire his freedom and reconciliation to God who loves him so much.  I think that many of us, as believers, hold this up as an ideal, but don’t feel like we can truly achieve it.  Why, as followers of Christ, do many of us view this practice as unattainable?  For me, I think that has been because I have not truly sought that peace of Christ;  I have not truly believed that God’s peace could set me free and make me unafraid of what others think about me.  I do now, though, and I am willing to do battle for that peace in my thoughts and in my actions.  A sweet friend of mine was asked by a few teenage girls what the hardest part of staying a virgin until marriage was.  Her response was that there was no part that was easy.  All of it, every day, every hour, was hard.   She told them, you have to fight for your purity.  I think the same is true for peace.  The peace of Christ that makes us unafraid of anything (like what others think of us) does not come easily, but that does not mean it does not come.  We just have to fight for it.   So, my prayer for God to lead me into a greater confidence in Him, to a soul-level dependency not on what others think, but of what He thinks of me, is one I can confidently pray because I know this is my Father’s will for me.  “¹⁵ And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.” I John 5:14 - 15

 Day 8 is going to be a good day.  : )

Day 6 - Practicing the Presence

Being quiet and still is one of my most challenging tasks.  I can talk, write, process, but stillness doesn't come naturally to me.  My prayer life sometimes reflects this.  Today was interesting.  I am in a busy season, and this sustains me sometimes.  I thrive on productivity and on getting things done;  I didn't have space in world today for much of anything else.  As I sit down to write and think through ways in which I brought the kingdom today, I am struck by how wrapped up I got in my own head and how little I thought about kingdom-life today.  I passed on two conversations with friends today in favor of work.  I do want to do work well as I believe that this, too, glorifies the Lord.  I guess in this scattered post today, I'm trying to say that I need a bit more practice at listening to the Holy Spirit and letting God guide my day-to-day, hour-to-hour choices in this way.    I'm seeking to do what Johnson leads us into which is to listen more intentionally to the Holy Spirit and to not succumb to prioritizing what I need to get done and what I need to accomplish in a day, but rather, to truly be sensitive to where the spirit is guiding me, so that I can be fully present wherever I am with whomever is in front of me.   This is a massive shift in my thinking that I recognize will take time to adopt, but I long to see the outcome of a life led to seek first the Kingdom.  That life is where I am convinced I will see God and be able to bless others with the joy and power of the Holy Spirit.  I've done life my way, and I'm excited to put that to death in order to pursue life God's way.  How are you all with being still and quiet in the Holy Spirit?  What blessings have come from times of stillness for you?

Day 5 - Just a Prayer

Heavenly Father,

You are Holy above all else.  I am humbled that you hear my prayer today.  Your Kingdom come, your will be done in and through me.   Teach me what it means to choose life today. I struggle with teaching my children your ways in my relationships with them. Show me how to choose life in these relationships you've blessed me to have. God, please accept my yearning for repentance.  I want to see the world as you see it.  I want to see others as you see them. Teach me to love my children better, Father.  Lift the scales from my eyes, Lord, so I can see them with your eyes.  Help me know repentance at a deeper level.

Amen.

Day 4 - Captive and Captivated

Oh my goodness! I am getting more and more excited about this journey. I have chosen for these forty days to give up TV and to read the Bible and pray for an hour each day because I want to pursue Christ with such intensity and passion that I let nothing else in. I can already feel a recentering, a love and holy hunger for every word of Christ welling up in me. I'm looking forward to each day of this journey. Is there anything God is calling you to lay before him in this journey? Is there anything you are sacrificing in order to build your relationship with him or is there anything you could offer him as a gift? The part of the devotional today that blessed me most was where Johnson says "This explains why there is such an intense war being waged for your mind and your mental agreement. Every thought and action in your life speaks of allegiance to God or to satan. Both are empowered by your agreement. Renewing your mind means learning to recognize what comes from hell, and what comes from heaven, and agreeing with Heaven." I have known for quite some time that sin doesn't start in our actions, but in our thoughts. I have known how important it is to take my thoughts captive for Christ. I can think of many times in my life where God has called me to take another step in this regard, and this is one of those times. This, like other aspects of my Christianity, has been about what is happening inside of me. It has been about my belief in Christ and my obedience to him. One of the ways in which I have been challenged today is to turn this on its ear a bit. As I shift gears toward surrendering my thoughts to Christ, I want to be less about getting rid of the thoughts that are not of Christ (though this is an important, even critical, first step), and more about saturating my mind in His word. I am reminded of this scripture in Matthew 12: 43, "When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean, and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of the man is worse than the first." I can no longer just stand against the evil that invades my thoughts; I need to replace the thoughts, to fill my metaphorical house with God's every word. I want to be so full of God that there is no room for anything else. I want to move past the place where surrendering my thought-life to Christ is only an internal process and into a place where I am so suffused in God's Word that it spills over into everything I do. The shift is one that moves me from an outside-in approach to an inside-out approach to giving up my thought-life to Christ. What this means, then, is leaving my sin - my anger, my frustrations, my unrealized dreams, my personal ambition, my unforgiveness, my disappointed hope -all behind. No looking back, no mourning time lost. Johnson says "If you have stepped out in obedience and then stopped when it didn't seem to bear fruit, ask the Lord if there is fear or disappointment there. If he shows you anything, confess it and ask the Lord to restore your hope and expectation to walk into the "normal Christian life" he's provided for you - a life filled with His supernatural, life-giving Spirit and all the goodness that life brings." This is where I'm headed, and I know that this Word of life, planted deep in my heart, will bear all that God promises it will.

Day 3 - Commissioned

Tony and I had a great conversation today on our way home from Angel Fire. This is admittedly a little outside of the devotional text, but my hope for this blog was that it might be a place for us to share the places in which God is challenging us and moving us forward, whether or not that followed the path on which the devotional book leads. So here’s the detour we’ve been on today. Tony asked me today if I thought we were really using our metaphorical talents to multiply the kingdom (the conversation was birthed from the parable of the talents in Matthew 25). I didn’t even hesitate. My answer (for myself, anyway) was “no”. I think that most of my Christianity, even today, is about me. I have been about believing; I have been about serving others; I have been about kindness, love, knowledge of God, and doing what is good and right, even when it costs me something, but I have never really been about multiplying. God is calling, pulling me into a deeper understanding of this part of followership today. Outside of Johnson’s devotional book, I’m also reading David Platt and Francis Chan’s Multiply. In it, they talk about how silly it would have sounded for Christ to come to his people and to have said, “Please believe in me. Please just believe that I am who I say I am. There’s nothing more; that’s it.” Instead, Christ called people to FOLLOW him, to leave everything behind because what he had to offer them was so incredibly beautiful, powerful, transformative… I asked Tony what it might look like if our lives looked more like what Jesus calls us to in the parable of the talents. Our central consensus was that we wouldn’t fear “preaching the word” or talking to anyone about God and his crazy, amazing, mad love that has pursued all people across space and time from the beginning of the human story. I found freedom today in reading Matthew. Jesus, in the great commission, doesn’t give me the task of growing a church (which is often a heavy burden on my heart). He gives me the task of making disciples. I can’t grow a church. There is no way. I am too imperfect, too self-concerned, too fearful of what others think of me (though I intend fully to have stamped that out of my life by the end of these forty days). But I can make disciples. I am crazy in love with the Lord. I want to know Him more and follow his every word better and better until I am set free from this failing body. I am excited to know him more and to invite others to do the same; inviting others to share life and Christ in that life is something I find amazingly appealing and beautifully simple. I’m going to start with those around me; my neighbors, friends, and whoever else God brings my way today. And if they don’t want to be disciples? If they want nothing to do with me and my crazy love for my Creator? This is no matter at all. I can still honor them and love them completely, all the while being totally and completely confident that I have carried out the Great Commission. If I haven’t tried, then I haven’t followed Christ in the last (and perhaps most important?) word he gave us. I haven’t truly been a follower. But as I go, I rest on the truths that my job as a sold-out follower of Christ is to go and make disciples, baptizing them and teaching them, and that Christ promises, he PROMISES, that he is with me always. Where has God led your heart today?

Day 2 - Fear

"For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live because those who are led by the spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of Sonship.” Romans 8:13 – 15 I think that fear is one of my greatest sins. This sin, for me, often dominates my language (I’m afraid that this will happen if…; I’m afraid I let this person or that person down), my thoughts, and my decision making. I love that Johnson put in this scripture because it speaks so clearly to where I am so, so much of the time. One of my primary goals of this 40-day season is to repent of this sin and to be finally and completely free of this particular prison. I am looking forward to having opportunity to prove the will of God in boldness and fearlessness in the days to come.

Day 1 - In the Kingdom of God....

God has been doing something in me (drawing me in, capturing my attention) for quite some time now. He has used people, circumstances, and books to speak to my heart, and I am ready and listening. While I am not sure where this journey will lead, I am sure that I am ready to go, and I am more sure I am ready go deeper with my Creator. So today, I’m starting a 40-day push toward spiritual renewal. I’m reading Bill Johnson’s Supernatural Power of the Transformed Mind in order to lead and jump-start this renewal, and I’m excited that a few are coming along; I am blessed to have people in my life who would support such a journey and who would come too, if for no other reason than to keep me company. I am surrounded by good people, and for that, for you all, I am so, so grateful. I hope that God speaks to our hearts in this process, that He challenges us, refines us (even through painful processes), and transforms us into something completely new. This God I have loved, I want to love more. This life I have lived, I want to live better. I want to sleep, eat, and breathe Christ so that there is no moment, no detail, no thought that is not surrendered to Him. I want to lose myself that I can gain Christ because I have tried him and I have found him to be worth loosing everything. I believe that seeking the kingdom is worth everything I have, and I am ready, in this journey, to hold nothing of my own as sacred. If there are habits in my life that are inhibiting the Spirit’s voice and direction, I want to cut them out. If there are parts of my life that are not surrendered to Christ, I want to lay them on the altar to be consumed in a holy fire. I am ready for transformation, not as a one-time event, but as a practicable life change to be engaged for the rest of my earthly life. In today’s devotional, Johnson says that “the will of God is simpler and plainer than we have thought…The will of God is simply this: ‘On earth as it is I heaven.’” I want to look today to bring heaven to earth. Johnson prompts us in the journal section to write down some of the “works of the devil” from which Jesus has freed us, and for me, this has been a great exercise in seeing moments of interaction with Christ throughout my life. God has freed me from anger at different points in my life which encourages me to lay this before him in some of my relationships today; he has proven himself trustworthy in this. God has taken care of my physical needs several times throughout Tony and I’s marriage in ways that could only be God (exact dollar amounts that we needed being given to us by people who did not know we needed it, bills being taken care of by both named and unnamed people on different occasions, etc.). This encourages me to not rely on my own power to take care of myself and my family. Though I have the ability to care for myself right now, this ability, I am reminded, comes only from the Lord. And all of this reminds me to lay down my own ambition. Lastly, God has healed me physically on more than one occasion. This one is a tough one for me to write because I struggle daily with not feeling physically healed from this chronic illness. Though I am not seeing that healing manifest in my life today, I am sure that God can heal. In the kingdom of God, there is no sickness. My prayer is that whatever the reason (or reasonlessness) I am sick, God would use this non-kingdom event to usher in His kingdom anyway. Please feel free to jump in with your own responses to Johnson’s text or the scripture you’re reading today or to the Spirit’s leading in your heart. I’m not sure what to expect as far as responses go here. I am a writer at heart, so my posts will be lengthy, guaranteed, but I’m aware that not everyone will be blessed by this or engage in this way. Whatever way God speaks to you, I hope that your day today is blessed with renewal and growth. I am thankful for all of you today.