Day 16 - Four Days' Worth of Thoughts

I've been dying to write all week, but this was the most intense work-week I've had so far. I'm tired.  Bone tired.  I'm not feeling so transformed today.  Many things have happened this week to draw my attention away from the Lord, and until now, I haven't even thought about fighting them off in the name of my peace.  I haven't been unhappy or frustrated with my the demands on my life this week, but I have let these demands take precedence over pursuing Christ and this transformation.  The funny thing is, I feel like I've had no real choice in the matter.  It's not like I had a clear choice between getting X, Y, and Z done and spending time with God;  it's just that I've woken up and hit the ground running every morning this week.  Sick kids, advisory duties, grading, teaching, more sick kids, church events, more advisory duties, everyone needing an edit, or a second or third read.  leading meetings, attending meetings, writing letters of recommendation, crashing internet, scheduling interviews, hiring new people, health struggles, and heart struggles have all occupied my week,  This is a fundamental struggle for me, and this is maybe Satan's trick in my world:  to convince me that I don't have a choice.  I work hard, which can be a gift to God and to others, but too often, it becomes my god.  I do have a choice.  I do have peace.  I do have a God in whom I can hide my heart.  I do not have do everything successfully, and I thank God that he moves ahead of me and covers my multitude of mistakes.

 So what can I do to be transformed in this area of my life?  Johnson talks a lot about revelation this week. I want so badly for my eyes to be opened, to see the world as he sees it; as with peace, I think I have to fight for that. I believe that even in the busy, I am redeemed, and I can make decisions based on the spirit's love and guidance.  I just have to practice the listening, always the listening.  

On a different note,   I struggled with some of Johnson's teaching this week.  I can and do freely accept that God does, in fact, want his people to be well physically (please don't dismiss me at this word;  this thread is much more intricate than this generality).  Jesus brought healing with his kingdom, and it comprised a large portion of his ministry here on earth.  I see God's beautiful compassion in Jesus as he heals people of their physical suffering. I believe that when his kingdom has fully come, I won't be sick any more.  I will have energy to laugh, play, and be goofy in the kingdom.  I will have the strength to run a thousand miles and move a thousand mountains.  I will be free from this body that robs my spirit of it's ability to thrive.  I also believe very firmly in the promises of Christ.  I believe that he does absolutely, unarguably heal people of their physical ailments. I believe he saves us from ourselves and our sins, and I believe that he loves me beyond what can be put into words - that's why he came, to be beyond words.  I believe in God's promises.  I just finished reading Mark with this new lens, and I am still not convinced that Christ offers physical healing to all of his followers.   I see that Christ offers his disciples the power to heal in Matthew and Mark, but does that then extend beyond them to all of Christ's followers for the rest of time?  I don't know.  I don't see that promised yet.  

 I also believe that God is a complex God and that his kingdom comes to earth when we rejoice in our suffering, when we, like Job, are hit hard by circumstances that steal our joy, crush our hope, weaken our resolve, rip apart our tender hearts, and shake our very foundations of faith and still we kneel in praise because we are still brought to humble, grateful tears by his goodness.  This is who we are supposed to be in the world too, isn't it?  This is also how we bring kingdom to the world, right?  Maybe this does, as Johnson says, limit my revelation.  This is something I think is so foundational and that has been a stumbling block for so many people in their own faith that it is really, really important to  do our best to understand what Christ promises about this. So many struggling with cancer and other deadly diseases have been so hurt by people who tell the sufferer, "If you just had enough faith, you'd be well."  or "What sin are you in that your body is sick?  Just repent of your own sin, and you'll be well."  How painful is this to receive when you are in the middle of such an overwhelming physical, emotional, and spiritual struggle?  I've felt judged by these statements, and I've struggled with the desire to walk away from my faith community completely with deep, deep sadness in my heart.  Even if this is a truth, this should come from the Lord to the heart.  I don't know that it is our responsibility to convict people of their sin.  Jesus didn't.  He forgave them, and healed.    We do all have to die.  Many times that happens through sickness.  I don't know what to do with this very real fact of life.    There are no real conclusions here;  just questions.  Any thoughts are welcomed.