Day 38 - Toward Conclusions

Two days left.  I'm not really ready for this to be over, but I'm changed, and I know what I need to do to develop this crazy love story.  So many good things have happened to encourage us during this process, not from the book as much as from the various other ways the spirit has challenged us. I love that I've been challenged to defend myself, my thought life, and my spirit against attack.  I feel freedom, excitement, and joy about the future.  It is a joy that I've been missing  for a lot of my faith journey.  I'm thrilled to stand on this promise because I believe in the depths of who I am that there is good news in the Word of God.  I have been challenged to take hold and be proud of my faith and to take it to the world with passion and conviction.  I have changed my view of where I live from a place to reside to my own mission field.  My city is not just a city, but a people group with many unreached souls.  My job as a Christ follower is to make Christ followers all the time, right where I live.  I intend to be faithful with what I have in order that God might expand my influence and my ability to bring the kingdom to earth.  I am learning to surrender fear.  I am learning to surrender worry.  I am learning to surrender jealousy, anger, and disappointment. I am learning to live with a life surrendered to Christ.  I am learning to persevere not just for a day and a night, but for a thousand days, with a thousand people, under a thousand challenges. I am excited about sharing my faith with friends and strangers.  I am excited about participating in the Great Commission for the first time in my Christian walk.   Here's to HOLY TRANSFORMATION of ourselves, our church, and our city in 2013.

Day 27 - No Grip

I know I'm supposed to be on day 27, but I'm moving back to day 25.  I didn't get to write this week.  Like we expected, we've been under attack for the last several days.  I don't think I have ever had this bad of a cough, ever. I nearly went to the ER last night after six hours of almost ceaseless coughing; the strongest OTC medication didn't even make a marginal change in my condition. I knew then I was dealing with something greater than my own biology. Not surprisingly, this strongest attack came immediately after our elders came to pray for health and healing over me in honor of James 5:14.  My whole body is in pain and is sore from the stress of this illness;  thankfully, I do not walk alone.  When I have been to weary to stand, my husband has read scripture over me.  He has spoken prayer and authority over me and has given me the rest I needed to fight again.    My resolve, my patience, my belief in Jehovah Rapha has been tested this week, and I stand firm.  My God is my healer, no matter how my body feels or what number of physical ramifications of illness I experience.  Though I am tired, my belief in this identity of God has never been stronger.  I am not afraid even of death, and I know that has my enemy in a panic.  I said aloud last night, "Death has been defeated, and I will not be afraid, even in death."  I heard Satan's whisper, "That can be arranged..." Still, I am not afraid, for in Christ, the dead live, the lame walk, the blind see.  Hallelujah!  That will never, ever change.  It has all already been accomplished. 

So day 25...Bill Johnson talks here about practical atheism - Christians who believe, but who don't follow, Christ's teachings -  believers who "face situations daily without bringing God into the picture."  Many of us have been there either in part or in whole;   many of us know people who are there now.  Though I do know professing believers who (at least on the outside, for I cannot pretend to know the hearts of men) do seem to be practical atheists, God has provided so, so many people in my life who earnestly seek the Lord.  I am so grateful to be a part of a community of people who at 25, 35, 45 and older are continuing to seek after God with all that they have.  They are learning all the time about Christ, and new parts of His identity are being revealed in these pursuits.  I know that there are many in the world who are passionate pursuers of Christ and who feel that they engage in these pursuits alone.  I know that Tony and I  may feel this way in the future if we do, in fact, end up in the mission field, but for now, we have faithful friends who walk with us in holy pursuits.  Praise the Lord!

I love that Johnson addresses my own practical atheism (I think he MUST have had me in mind when he wrote this chapter), and his words on day 25 ever increased my resolve to destroy this part of my life that I privately nurse and keep hidden from others.  His last line on day 25 contrasts with his portrayal of fear-based Pharisaic influence and reads, "But when we are influenced by Kingdom leaven, we don't fear what people think about us."  I'm starting to see this transformation in my own life.  I'm starting to understand very viscerally that if I don't let release my death grip on being valued and respected in the eyes of others (in every minutiae), then I am Pharisaic in my belief, embracing God in theory, but not in practice or experience, and my witness to the world is crushed.

  Last night in and through deep prayer with my husband, I discovered that this demon, this idolatry of others' opinions which I have been battling hard in this 40-day journey, is rooted in the stronger demon of pride.  By casting out pride, I will bring death to them both.  I received a picture in prayer last night of pride as a demon. Having been cast out, this demon was trying to hold on to me, but because I had been anointed with oil in Christ, it couldn't get a grip.  It tried and tried and tried to hold on, but every time it did, its grip would just slip off.  I think that this is the gift of walking in the Holy Spirit who is so much greater and more powerful than all of the other evil in the spiritual dimension.  In the Holy Spirit, we are anointed with the oil of joy, of gladness, of Christ, and because of that oil nothing unclean can hold on. 

That is not to say that these spirits will not try.  They will, with mighty effort.  Also, that is not to say that once we have accepted Christ and His spirit, we no longer have to fight to keep our anointing.   This is a gift that must be guarded.  That means that when I have been hurt by someone's words or actions, I will turn to the Spirit to consider what He is teaching me.  In this act, I am anointed.  That means that when I am angry, I will keep my eyes on God and acknowledge that I am not the purveyor of my own justice.  God makes all things right, and I can trust Him with my own vindication.  In giving up my need to be proven right, in understanding that God is big enough, in this act, I am anointed.  When I am jealous of my colleagues' success or my children's affections for my husband or grandparents or the material wealth of my friends, I will turn to Jesus, remember his rejection by the "important people" of his day, his rejection from his own family, and his complete lack of any material wealth at all.  Through these remembrances, in this act, I am anointed. Because of these anointings with holy oil, spirits of anger, jealousy, and over-fed pride will not be able to get a good grip or any grip at all, really. No spirit, in fact, except the one already within who produces the anointing in the first place,  will be able take hold.  I am anointed.  

From two sources in the last week (my uncle and his invited guest speaker, Jerry Vaughn), I have received the words Johnson also says in his first question for day 25:  "Difficulty exposes that in which you actually trust, and what you trust is what we truly believe to be true and real." Through these words, I have been convicted that all this time, I haven't actually believed that God didn't want me well.  What I did believe was that the doctors could heal me better than God could.  I have trusted in them more than I trusted in God because that is what I could see and what I could see and touch is what I believed to be true and real - a practical atheism.  Difficulty has exposed what was guiding my life which has been my own fear, not God. The same is true of my fear of others' opinions of me.  I am in a position of leadership this semester which is a much more public position that I have ever held.  When I hear something from someone (or even when I just interpret possible overtones in someone's words) that threatens my reputation or insults me or my work whether it is true or not, I have noticed that I begin back-peddling and defending myself and my actions almost instantly.  No looking at the Lord, no quiet discernment, no inclusion of God at all - another practical atheism.  The root?  This foolish combination of fear and idolatry of man's opinions.  Absolutely.  This works in my family in the same ways.  When my children don't respect me or my husband doesn't honor me, instead of stepping into love or joy or peace or patience, I defend, I accuse, I strike back.  This exposes that the valuations of man, particularly my family, matter more to me than the valuation of God, and Jesus teaches us that anyone who loves mother or father or sister or brother or children more than him is not worthy of him. For kingdom life, this sin has to die. 

Lord, I rebuke the spirit of fear and pride in my own life and in the life of my family.  I cast it out.  I come to you for anointing and promise to guard that anointing fiercely.  I rejoice in your mad love for me and for all your followers.  You are our portion and our prize, and we pursue you with everything we've got.  Thank you for bearing all of this for us and for setting us captives free.  We praise you for breaking chains and anointing with oil.  Amen.

Day 19 - Crazy Love

I should be working right now, but I'm just so filled up after this weekend that I want to write tonight instead, even if it means a really late night ahead.

First, I've mentioned several times throughout the course of these 40 days that I see a theme emerging for my own transformation which is the release of fear of what everyone else thinks of me.  This has become my idol that I place above the opinion of the Almighty in so many ways, and I am working hard to smash and burn that idol in my life in the next 21 days.  Though I don't like having to practice at this, I do appreciate the opportunities to do so.  God, like the good God that He is, gave me this sermon, spoken through Jerry Vaughn at my Uncle Danny's church in Carlsbad, yesterday morning:  http://wolcarlsbad.com/2012/08/18/sermon-player/

 (Click on the one entitled "Jerry Vaughn").  Though I cried through,well...most of the service, I had to smile at God's direct communication with me yesterday morning.  It was like he was sitting in the room, directly addressing me in person.  This man ( a friend of my uncle) didn't know me from Adam, but the sermon and the whole morning could not have been more orchestrated to speak to my heart if I had sat down and written it all out myself beforehand.  We serve a mighty, real, holy, intimate God, and I am thankful for the moments in which he seems to step out of heaven there to bring heaven here.

Can I just say it?  Praise God, I am healed!  God has done it;  it is finished.   Satan is vanquished.  I am free. I don't care what the tests say tomorrow. I don't care what the doctors warn me of next week.  There is nothing anyone can say or do to tell me I am not healed by the blood of Christ.  I will fight for this Word with everything I have within me, and Christ, defeater of even death, is as he promised centuries ago - right with me in the same power and authority he had then.  And I will go to my grave when it is time to go home with the joy and confidence that God moved heaven to free us free from sin and disease, and I am confident I will see this comes to pass in the lives of many throughout the course of my ministry on earth.   I am war-weary, but not destroyed.  I have a job to do on this earth, and then and only then, will it be time to go home.   I will play an active part in that process because I am growing in connection to God, and I will understand His will better every day of my life.  I rejoice in a God who has reached out across centuries to grip my heart with His crazy, mad love.  This is Good News, the best news, in fact.

I know for sure that I don't understand all of this yet.  I know for sure that I won't understand all of it until I am able to go home, and unfortunately, I know that healing will not happen for every person 100% of the time.  Even those who have practiced bringing God's healing for years will attest to this,  but just because it is not accomplished in the world 100% of the time does not mean it is not the desire of God's heart for each of us.  Suffering will come; this is a promise (I'll take up teasing out the difference between illness and suffering in a later post).  I understand now that healing of my heart as well as my body is something Christ came to give and did give as an outpouring of love onto His people.  I can almost see the compassion in his eyes as he healed Jews and Gentiles alike, and I know that compassion has not changed.  It is the same today as it was then.    I know this is radical.  I know that some in my life, if they read this, would / will dismiss me as having lost my sanity.   That's all somehow okay today.  I am hoping that this will not be internalized as hurtful by readers who have lost loved ones.  Making sense of that is hard, and I don't want to be insensitve.  I believe God mourns for and with those who hurt deeply for those lost prematurely.  I don't want to pretend I understand all circumstances, and if you're reading this and are struggling with these words, know that you are not alone and that Christ is, as he promised, still with you.  Always.  Pursue him still, pursue him even though, and Satan IS defeated.  

I'm not quite sure that I'm ready to process through questions because there is so much I need to think about.  This is probably the space in which I will do that over the next several days, and though I do not pledge to have answers, I do invite whoever wants to come along to process through this with me.  

How I got here from my last post is a lot longer story than I have time tonight to detail, but I will handle this in pieces.   For now, know that our lives, our stories, our understanding of God is so much bigger than who we are and what we do right now, or tomorrow, or the next day.  We are part of such an amazing history of believers who have wrestled with these questions for hundreds of years, and for the first time, I feel like an important part of that macrocosm.

Thank you, God, for awakening both in my own heart and across the globe.  I am humbled an honored to be a Christ-follower in this moment in time and am looking forward with expectancy to the coming hours, days, and years in which your kingdom will come to earth and cast out all darkness with its perfect light.  Amen.

Day 16 - Four Days' Worth of Thoughts

I've been dying to write all week, but this was the most intense work-week I've had so far. I'm tired.  Bone tired.  I'm not feeling so transformed today.  Many things have happened this week to draw my attention away from the Lord, and until now, I haven't even thought about fighting them off in the name of my peace.  I haven't been unhappy or frustrated with my the demands on my life this week, but I have let these demands take precedence over pursuing Christ and this transformation.  The funny thing is, I feel like I've had no real choice in the matter.  It's not like I had a clear choice between getting X, Y, and Z done and spending time with God;  it's just that I've woken up and hit the ground running every morning this week.  Sick kids, advisory duties, grading, teaching, more sick kids, church events, more advisory duties, everyone needing an edit, or a second or third read.  leading meetings, attending meetings, writing letters of recommendation, crashing internet, scheduling interviews, hiring new people, health struggles, and heart struggles have all occupied my week,  This is a fundamental struggle for me, and this is maybe Satan's trick in my world:  to convince me that I don't have a choice.  I work hard, which can be a gift to God and to others, but too often, it becomes my god.  I do have a choice.  I do have peace.  I do have a God in whom I can hide my heart.  I do not have do everything successfully, and I thank God that he moves ahead of me and covers my multitude of mistakes.

 So what can I do to be transformed in this area of my life?  Johnson talks a lot about revelation this week. I want so badly for my eyes to be opened, to see the world as he sees it; as with peace, I think I have to fight for that. I believe that even in the busy, I am redeemed, and I can make decisions based on the spirit's love and guidance.  I just have to practice the listening, always the listening.  

On a different note,   I struggled with some of Johnson's teaching this week.  I can and do freely accept that God does, in fact, want his people to be well physically (please don't dismiss me at this word;  this thread is much more intricate than this generality).  Jesus brought healing with his kingdom, and it comprised a large portion of his ministry here on earth.  I see God's beautiful compassion in Jesus as he heals people of their physical suffering. I believe that when his kingdom has fully come, I won't be sick any more.  I will have energy to laugh, play, and be goofy in the kingdom.  I will have the strength to run a thousand miles and move a thousand mountains.  I will be free from this body that robs my spirit of it's ability to thrive.  I also believe very firmly in the promises of Christ.  I believe that he does absolutely, unarguably heal people of their physical ailments. I believe he saves us from ourselves and our sins, and I believe that he loves me beyond what can be put into words - that's why he came, to be beyond words.  I believe in God's promises.  I just finished reading Mark with this new lens, and I am still not convinced that Christ offers physical healing to all of his followers.   I see that Christ offers his disciples the power to heal in Matthew and Mark, but does that then extend beyond them to all of Christ's followers for the rest of time?  I don't know.  I don't see that promised yet.  

 I also believe that God is a complex God and that his kingdom comes to earth when we rejoice in our suffering, when we, like Job, are hit hard by circumstances that steal our joy, crush our hope, weaken our resolve, rip apart our tender hearts, and shake our very foundations of faith and still we kneel in praise because we are still brought to humble, grateful tears by his goodness.  This is who we are supposed to be in the world too, isn't it?  This is also how we bring kingdom to the world, right?  Maybe this does, as Johnson says, limit my revelation.  This is something I think is so foundational and that has been a stumbling block for so many people in their own faith that it is really, really important to  do our best to understand what Christ promises about this. So many struggling with cancer and other deadly diseases have been so hurt by people who tell the sufferer, "If you just had enough faith, you'd be well."  or "What sin are you in that your body is sick?  Just repent of your own sin, and you'll be well."  How painful is this to receive when you are in the middle of such an overwhelming physical, emotional, and spiritual struggle?  I've felt judged by these statements, and I've struggled with the desire to walk away from my faith community completely with deep, deep sadness in my heart.  Even if this is a truth, this should come from the Lord to the heart.  I don't know that it is our responsibility to convict people of their sin.  Jesus didn't.  He forgave them, and healed.    We do all have to die.  Many times that happens through sickness.  I don't know what to do with this very real fact of life.    There are no real conclusions here;  just questions.  Any thoughts are welcomed.  

Day 12 - Speak

I was really hoping to be able to blog daily when I started this journey.  I have not been successful at this, but I have been faithfully reading.  I hope that someone, somewhere is blessed by these posts at some point. Anyway,  today's reading is strange.  I'm not really sure I understand the perspective or what Johnson is trying to say, much less what to do with it.  Maybe I just need to pray for God's wisdom in this.  In the last part of his journal / meditation guide for today, Johnson talks about what things we are called to do as Christians that involve our voices.  I am in the middle of growth in this area.  Because of my heart-struggles with people's perceptions of myself, I have a hard time speaking anything that might hurt someone's feelings  or that might cause people to be upset with me.  This is not Godly or good, and I confess it.

Holy God,
I pray for your kingdom to come through me today.  Please forgive this voice-altering desire to have people like me.  As I grow in you over these forty days, strengthen my voice, wash away my fear and self-doubt.  Help me see as you see.  Help my voice and your voice one and the same to my friends, family, acquaintances.  Give me what I need to complete your will today. I give you my life, my soul, my everything for the sake of your glory and your kingdom.

Amen.