First, I've mentioned several times throughout the course of these 40 days that I see a theme emerging for my own transformation which is the release of fear of what everyone else thinks of me. This has become my idol that I place above the opinion of the Almighty in so many ways, and I am working hard to smash and burn that idol in my life in the next 21 days. Though I don't like having to practice at this, I do appreciate the opportunities to do so. God, like the good God that He is, gave me this sermon, spoken through Jerry Vaughn at my Uncle Danny's church in Carlsbad, yesterday morning: http://wolcarlsbad.com/2012/08/18/sermon-player/
(Click on the one entitled "Jerry Vaughn"). Though I cried through,well...most of the service, I had to smile at God's direct communication with me yesterday morning. It was like he was sitting in the room, directly addressing me in person. This man ( a friend of my uncle) didn't know me from Adam, but the sermon and the whole morning could not have been more orchestrated to speak to my heart if I had sat down and written it all out myself beforehand. We serve a mighty, real, holy, intimate God, and I am thankful for the moments in which he seems to step out of heaven there to bring heaven here.
Can I just say it? Praise God, I am healed! God has done it; it is finished. Satan is vanquished. I am free. I don't care what the tests say tomorrow. I don't care what the doctors warn me of next week. There is nothing anyone can say or do to tell me I am not healed by the blood of Christ. I will fight for this Word with everything I have within me, and Christ, defeater of even death, is as he promised centuries ago - right with me in the same power and authority he had then. And I will go to my grave when it is time to go home with the joy and confidence that God moved heaven to free us free from sin and disease, and I am confident I will see this comes to pass in the lives of many throughout the course of my ministry on earth. I am war-weary, but not destroyed. I have a job to do on this earth, and then and only then, will it be time to go home. I will play an active part in that process because I am growing in connection to God, and I will understand His will better every day of my life. I rejoice in a God who has reached out across centuries to grip my heart with His crazy, mad love. This is Good News, the best news, in fact.
I know for sure that I don't understand all of this yet. I know for sure that I won't understand all of it until I am able to go home, and unfortunately, I know that healing will not happen for every person 100% of the time. Even those who have practiced bringing God's healing for years will attest to this, but just because it is not accomplished in the world 100% of the time does not mean it is not the desire of God's heart for each of us. Suffering will come; this is a promise (I'll take up teasing out the difference between illness and suffering in a later post). I understand now that healing of my heart as well as my body is something Christ came to give and did give as an outpouring of love onto His people. I can almost see the compassion in his eyes as he healed Jews and Gentiles alike, and I know that compassion has not changed. It is the same today as it was then. I know this is radical. I know that some in my life, if they read this, would / will dismiss me as having lost my sanity. That's all somehow okay today. I am hoping that this will not be internalized as hurtful by readers who have lost loved ones. Making sense of that is hard, and I don't want to be insensitve. I believe God mourns for and with those who hurt deeply for those lost prematurely. I don't want to pretend I understand all circumstances, and if you're reading this and are struggling with these words, know that you are not alone and that Christ is, as he promised, still with you. Always. Pursue him still, pursue him even though, and Satan IS defeated.
I'm not quite sure that I'm ready to process through questions because there is so much I need to think about. This is probably the space in which I will do that over the next several days, and though I do not pledge to have answers, I do invite whoever wants to come along to process through this with me.
How I got here from my last post is a lot longer story than I have time tonight to detail, but I will handle this in pieces. For now, know that our lives, our stories, our understanding of God is so much bigger than who we are and what we do right now, or tomorrow, or the next day. We are part of such an amazing history of believers who have wrestled with these questions for hundreds of years, and for the first time, I feel like an important part of that macrocosm.
Thank you, God, for awakening both in my own heart and across the globe. I am humbled an honored to be a Christ-follower in this moment in time and am looking forward with expectancy to the coming hours, days, and years in which your kingdom will come to earth and cast out all darkness with its perfect light. Amen.
What a great post! I'm so proud of what God is doing in your heart and in your body.
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