Day 27 - No Grip

I know I'm supposed to be on day 27, but I'm moving back to day 25.  I didn't get to write this week.  Like we expected, we've been under attack for the last several days.  I don't think I have ever had this bad of a cough, ever. I nearly went to the ER last night after six hours of almost ceaseless coughing; the strongest OTC medication didn't even make a marginal change in my condition. I knew then I was dealing with something greater than my own biology. Not surprisingly, this strongest attack came immediately after our elders came to pray for health and healing over me in honor of James 5:14.  My whole body is in pain and is sore from the stress of this illness;  thankfully, I do not walk alone.  When I have been to weary to stand, my husband has read scripture over me.  He has spoken prayer and authority over me and has given me the rest I needed to fight again.    My resolve, my patience, my belief in Jehovah Rapha has been tested this week, and I stand firm.  My God is my healer, no matter how my body feels or what number of physical ramifications of illness I experience.  Though I am tired, my belief in this identity of God has never been stronger.  I am not afraid even of death, and I know that has my enemy in a panic.  I said aloud last night, "Death has been defeated, and I will not be afraid, even in death."  I heard Satan's whisper, "That can be arranged..." Still, I am not afraid, for in Christ, the dead live, the lame walk, the blind see.  Hallelujah!  That will never, ever change.  It has all already been accomplished. 

So day 25...Bill Johnson talks here about practical atheism - Christians who believe, but who don't follow, Christ's teachings -  believers who "face situations daily without bringing God into the picture."  Many of us have been there either in part or in whole;   many of us know people who are there now.  Though I do know professing believers who (at least on the outside, for I cannot pretend to know the hearts of men) do seem to be practical atheists, God has provided so, so many people in my life who earnestly seek the Lord.  I am so grateful to be a part of a community of people who at 25, 35, 45 and older are continuing to seek after God with all that they have.  They are learning all the time about Christ, and new parts of His identity are being revealed in these pursuits.  I know that there are many in the world who are passionate pursuers of Christ and who feel that they engage in these pursuits alone.  I know that Tony and I  may feel this way in the future if we do, in fact, end up in the mission field, but for now, we have faithful friends who walk with us in holy pursuits.  Praise the Lord!

I love that Johnson addresses my own practical atheism (I think he MUST have had me in mind when he wrote this chapter), and his words on day 25 ever increased my resolve to destroy this part of my life that I privately nurse and keep hidden from others.  His last line on day 25 contrasts with his portrayal of fear-based Pharisaic influence and reads, "But when we are influenced by Kingdom leaven, we don't fear what people think about us."  I'm starting to see this transformation in my own life.  I'm starting to understand very viscerally that if I don't let release my death grip on being valued and respected in the eyes of others (in every minutiae), then I am Pharisaic in my belief, embracing God in theory, but not in practice or experience, and my witness to the world is crushed.

  Last night in and through deep prayer with my husband, I discovered that this demon, this idolatry of others' opinions which I have been battling hard in this 40-day journey, is rooted in the stronger demon of pride.  By casting out pride, I will bring death to them both.  I received a picture in prayer last night of pride as a demon. Having been cast out, this demon was trying to hold on to me, but because I had been anointed with oil in Christ, it couldn't get a grip.  It tried and tried and tried to hold on, but every time it did, its grip would just slip off.  I think that this is the gift of walking in the Holy Spirit who is so much greater and more powerful than all of the other evil in the spiritual dimension.  In the Holy Spirit, we are anointed with the oil of joy, of gladness, of Christ, and because of that oil nothing unclean can hold on. 

That is not to say that these spirits will not try.  They will, with mighty effort.  Also, that is not to say that once we have accepted Christ and His spirit, we no longer have to fight to keep our anointing.   This is a gift that must be guarded.  That means that when I have been hurt by someone's words or actions, I will turn to the Spirit to consider what He is teaching me.  In this act, I am anointed.  That means that when I am angry, I will keep my eyes on God and acknowledge that I am not the purveyor of my own justice.  God makes all things right, and I can trust Him with my own vindication.  In giving up my need to be proven right, in understanding that God is big enough, in this act, I am anointed.  When I am jealous of my colleagues' success or my children's affections for my husband or grandparents or the material wealth of my friends, I will turn to Jesus, remember his rejection by the "important people" of his day, his rejection from his own family, and his complete lack of any material wealth at all.  Through these remembrances, in this act, I am anointed. Because of these anointings with holy oil, spirits of anger, jealousy, and over-fed pride will not be able to get a good grip or any grip at all, really. No spirit, in fact, except the one already within who produces the anointing in the first place,  will be able take hold.  I am anointed.  

From two sources in the last week (my uncle and his invited guest speaker, Jerry Vaughn), I have received the words Johnson also says in his first question for day 25:  "Difficulty exposes that in which you actually trust, and what you trust is what we truly believe to be true and real." Through these words, I have been convicted that all this time, I haven't actually believed that God didn't want me well.  What I did believe was that the doctors could heal me better than God could.  I have trusted in them more than I trusted in God because that is what I could see and what I could see and touch is what I believed to be true and real - a practical atheism.  Difficulty has exposed what was guiding my life which has been my own fear, not God. The same is true of my fear of others' opinions of me.  I am in a position of leadership this semester which is a much more public position that I have ever held.  When I hear something from someone (or even when I just interpret possible overtones in someone's words) that threatens my reputation or insults me or my work whether it is true or not, I have noticed that I begin back-peddling and defending myself and my actions almost instantly.  No looking at the Lord, no quiet discernment, no inclusion of God at all - another practical atheism.  The root?  This foolish combination of fear and idolatry of man's opinions.  Absolutely.  This works in my family in the same ways.  When my children don't respect me or my husband doesn't honor me, instead of stepping into love or joy or peace or patience, I defend, I accuse, I strike back.  This exposes that the valuations of man, particularly my family, matter more to me than the valuation of God, and Jesus teaches us that anyone who loves mother or father or sister or brother or children more than him is not worthy of him. For kingdom life, this sin has to die. 

Lord, I rebuke the spirit of fear and pride in my own life and in the life of my family.  I cast it out.  I come to you for anointing and promise to guard that anointing fiercely.  I rejoice in your mad love for me and for all your followers.  You are our portion and our prize, and we pursue you with everything we've got.  Thank you for bearing all of this for us and for setting us captives free.  We praise you for breaking chains and anointing with oil.  Amen.